My final word for 2020
Hello beautiful one,
This year has been one like no other. So much growth and expansion and grief and more growth and more expansion. I’ve reached perceived limits and then surpassed them, purely because I had no other choice than to grow beyond them. So many deaths and rebirths. So much colour. This year has transformed me, so it needed honouring.
I spent my final day of 2020 in mindful reflection, gathering myself back together into the moment I now find myself in. I journalled. Listened to the birds and watched the leaves dance in the Poinciana tree in my front yard. I napped. Went to the beach near dusk and cleared rubbish from the ocean. I cooked my family dinner. Had a shower by candlelight. Then settled into my studio to capture a word to express the culmination of where I’m now at, as a result of this year.
Here’s what flowed out : R E L E A S E
Tonight as I created, I understood something. That this year and every moment of my life, has brought me to this very point, right now. Some past moments I have carried in a giant bowl in my torso. It’s gotten heavier as I’ve aged and I understand now, after this year, I can’t keep holding old stories dear anymore. Because I’ve outgrown them, shed them. Most stories are not even mine and I no longer identify with them, as me. It’s time to release.
I’ve got this intense feeling that the new becoming me is formidable, powerful and bright; and that is a far cry from the good girl I’ve practiced to date. I’ve held my past selves close because I was afraid if I truly let go of who I was, I wouldn’t know who to be instead. I’m afraid of not knowing myself, as if I actually should know. Though how can we ever know fully, what is constantly transforming? Ourselves, our relationships, our planet? All we have is this moment.
Today as I journaled, I thought about my childhood and learning to assimilate to other people’s expectations of me from a young age. I reflected on my art and my friends and my family and my life and the Universe and emotions and memories and how I’ve been HOLDING IT ALL in an effort to feel secure and KNOW.
But today, this is no longer me. I actually don’t know. Anything, really. I choose to be a sieve, not a bowl. As an artist, I capture feelings and moments as they pass through me. And when I make art, I transition freely through time and I feel alive and things make sense. So perhaps, life is best spent like making art; always becoming, creating, transforming. Perhaps parts of our old selves are always dying off, to make way for the new. Perhaps we will never stay still enough to know anything for longer than a fleeting moment. Maybe it’s all moments of experience, all strung together, flowing like water through a sieve. Maybe it’s all meant to pass through, instead of being held tightly. Maybe we’re not meant to hold onto anything. Maybe the beauty is on the non-capturing. Perhaps the newness of this moment is what actually HOLDS US.
Maybe the point is, to experience each moment, our Life and relax in the safety of knowing, this too shall pass. Everything can pass. Perhaps to RELEASE is a RE-LEASE, continually choosing a new lease on life, experiencing the gift of being in this body with life force flowing through us, in this ever unique moment in time. Now. And now. And now. Forevermore.
Welcome to the new year.
LEARN WITH ME
